I: Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn

I began to put the fragments together slowly, over time. It was not as simple as one might suppose. Obi-Wan has never been easy to understand, never the compliant padawan, and I was not the perfect master by any means. For so long I remained blind to the mystery of his being, to the gift I had been given. If I had been able to find the key to the enigma or to see as clearly as Yoda did, we might not have wasted so much time, but some things are not meant to be.

There is no room in my heart for regret.

Certain moments in life have gained importance much later, when hindsight makes them clear. Memories, once tainted by emotion and wishful thinking, become distinct when seen through the filter of time.

I never understood how dark my days had become until he brought his light to me. In all the places he has inhabited, past and present, illumination remains.

*****

"Again." Qui-Gon heard the frustration and impatience behind the clipped instruction, and bit back a grimace of irritation. It was a simple exercise, one Obi-Wan should have been able to grasp within minutes. Instead, the boy was on his twentieth try, and his concentration seemed to be slipping.

Obi-Wan caught his lip between his teeth, worrying it as he set his jaw and leapt into the air. He stretched out a hand for his lightsaber, which leapt from the ground and slid into his palm like an extension of his arm. With his other hand, he reached out for the tiny silver ring, dangling twenty feet above the practice mat.

Once again, he missed.

Like a graceful bird, he landed gently on the mat, breathing hard, and lowered his eyes.

"Enough of this. We will return to it tomorrow," Qui-Gon instructed, replaying the exercise in his mind. "Your focus is not all it should be, Obi-Wan."

"I'm sorry, Master."

Qui-Gon looked up as the voice wavered slightly, and a concerned frown furrowed his brow. "Tomorrow is a fresh start. We will begin again when you are not so tired. Go and shower."

"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan turned without looking up and walked slowly in the direction of the showers, leaving behind the distinct aura of someone defeated.

Qui-Gon picked up his training equipment and started for the locker room, then changed his mind and moved into the corridor toward their quarters. His thirteen-year-old padawan had proven he was a valuable asset to the Jedi, and his loyalty to Qui-Gon was complete. Why, then, did it seem that the boy's attention wandered from his duty at every turn?

That lack of concentration became clear when Obi-Wan began advanced training in acrobatics and aerial maneuvers. The young Jedi was out of balance, physically and emotionally. His focus was gone, his measurement of distance completely wrong in most cases. His use of the Force to assist him was haphazard at best, and he seemed reluctant to open his being to the essence of the Force around them. Qui-Gon found the sudden change disturbing.

Once back in their quarters, he showered quickly, mulling over his options. As he relaxed in a comfortable chair near his work desk, he watched the night sky and sleepily contemplated ways he might assist Obi-Wan in conquering his problem.

It was the strong sense of fear and pain that woke Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan's mental distress pulled him out of his chair without conscious thought. Within moments he was running as quickly as he could toward the echo of need resonating in his mind.

Their training bond led him to the practice hall, and he entered the room to find Obi-Wan half-unconscious in the middle of the ring, moaning with pain and attempting to rise before Qui-Gon could discover him there.

"Obi-Wan!" He covered the space between them quickly, falling to his knees beside the prone figure and scooping him into anxious arms. "What has happened?"

"Please, no, please," Obi-Wan begged, arching against his master's body, eyes half-closed.

Qui-Gon pressed a hand to Obi-Wan's forehead and pulled it away with mounting fear - the skin was hot to the touch. With tender insistence, he pressed into his padawan's mind, repairing the broken places, reassuring the boy, measuring the extent of his injury...and it was enough to stop his heart with fear.

He gathered Obi-Wan into his arms and stood, cradling the young man to him, moving at breakneck speed through the halls until he reached his destination. He surrendered Obi-Wan to the healers, hanging back just far enough to be out of the way, but he felt his connection to his padawan strengthening with every moment that passed, gaining substance as Obi-Wan reached for him and found his master there.

An infected wound sustained during a previous practice, the healers said. Obi-Wan had concealed it from him in his quest to be everything Qui-Gon expected - the perfect padawan. Qui-Gon digested the information, allowed himself the luxury of self-recrimination, and went to see the boy as soon as he was allowed in.

It took only one glance between them to cement the bond. Obi-Wan's eyes filled with tears of disappointment at his own weakness, and Qui-Gon's eyes reflected absolution and trust.

"You were foolish to attempt to practice the exercise alone," Qui-Gon said simply, resuming his role.

"I wanted to do it right," Obi-Wan answered. The expression on his face showed his understanding - words were unnecessary. His master already knew.

"Perfection is not required," Qui-Gon said, allowing a glint of humor to show in his eyes as he settled on the bed next to his young student. "I am your teacher. I will be the one to set the tasks, and the pace --and the limits. And you will tell me when you are hurt. Never attempt to conceal things from me. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan closed his eyes as his master's long fingers soothed his temples.

"Rest now, Padawan."

*****

I should have been willing to accept the connection between us, but I was too reserved and aloof. I was slow to give praise where it was deserved. Obi-Wan gave me unconditional loyalty and trust, despite my attempts to remain apart from my feelings.

I struggled to accept what he offered, but my attachment to my previous apprentice had cost me dearly, and I was not willing to repeat that exercise in blind devotion. My mind said it was better to be cautious, but my heart saw Obi-Wan with its own agenda. I couldn't remain at a distance forever.

*****

"No." Qui-Gon pushed away the fingers that tenderly probed his injuries, but the gesture was too weak to be convincing. In the damp cold of the small tent, the loss of the warmth of those hands was noticeable, and he shivered involuntarily. A hissing intake of breath between gritted teeth betrayed his pain as his damaged ribs were rattled.

Obi-Wan looked up, determination settling into the tight line of his jaw. "It has to be done, Master. These wounds are not healing as they should. You have ignored your injuries too long. If I don't do this now, I may not be able to do it at all."

"You are not to waste your strength healing me." Qui-Gon's voice was harsh with exhaustion. "Don't disobey me, Obi-Wan. You'll need all your reserves if we are attacked again."

"You are my reserves," Obi-Wan said stubbornly.

"Part of becoming a Jedi is learning to follow orders, Padawan." The implied rebuke had the desired effect, and Obi-Wan withdrew slightly, kneeling beside the low cot. Qui-Gon regretted having to say the words, but better Obi-Wan be hurt by disapproval than by giving too much of his own energy to a lost cause.

"I can't sit here and watch you die," Obi-Wan said quietly.

Qui-Gon felt the push of emotion through their training bond, stronger than it had ever been before. He allowed it through, partly because it was all the comfort he had, and because he was not strong enough to close his mind. Obi-Wan's love infused the bond, but there was no fear.

Qui-Gon experienced a sudden surge of pride for the boy. He was barely one year into his apprenticeship, just turned fourteen, and already he had so many qualities that would make him a fine Jedi - compassion, selflessness, loyalty. But his stubbornness...that was going to be a problem.

"I have learned much from you, Master," Obi-Wan said, in response to the unspoken thought.

The words provoked a small chuckle, and a wince of pain. "You would do well not to follow my example in that regard, Obi-Wan. I heed my own course, much to the Council's dismay."

"As must we all," the boy said.

There was more he might have said to his padawan, but the night was rushing away from him as sleep came to call, drawing him down into darkness and feverish dreams. His dreams brought with them the restless, aching itch of injury, and apparitions of events past and future, ghosting across faint, distant dreamscapes.

Sweet sensations of warmth and comfort permeated the cold, spreading throughout his body, dispelling the stiffness, and he sank deeper into sleep, restless no more.

Something startled Qui-Gon into wakefulness. Instantly alert, he turned his head to find Obi-Wan burrowed against his side, cuddled up to him in search of body heat. The boy was shivering.

With an instinctive gesture, Qui-Gon reached to pull their robes higher...and realized he could move without pain. His eyes flew to the boy, who was not quite asleep, and not quite awake. "You deliberately disobeyed me," he said, trying and failing to make his tone stern. "You might have done yourself harm. Let me look at you."

Obi-Wan turned his body as Qui-Gon wrapped the robe around him. His face was pale and drawn, and blue from the cold, but the satisfied expression there spoke of love. Without another word, Qui-Gon folded his arms around the boy, hugging him close for warmth, and together, they slept.

*****

One more barrier crossed, one more demonstration of Obi-Wan's strength and his ability to know his own limits. I had not given him enough credit, and soon enough, my faith in him would be put to the test yet again, as would his faith in me. The tables turned quickly, and I faced questions I had not considered for a very long time.

*****

"Well, this is uncomfortable."

Qui-Gon chuckled as he looked down at his apprentice, who was fidgeting around on the floor of their makeshift prison, trying to find a tolerable position. "Sleeping on metal isn't supposed to be comfortable, Obi-Wan. I'm amazed they've given us enough room to stretch out."

Their cage began to sway slowly as Obi-Wan tossed and turned. Alarmed, the young Jedi stopped moving and lay still. "It's no use," he said, sounding resigned. "I can't meditate, and I can't sleep."

Without hesitation, Qui-Gon eased himself down next to his padawan, clinging to the bars as the cage rocked precariously above the flaming torches and muttering citizens. He stretched out an arm, welcoming Obi-Wan into the circle of his protection as the younger man settled against him, using his chest as a pillow.

"How will you stay awake to keep first watch?" Obi-Wan asked, looking up at his master with a mixture of trust and apprehension. He curled his body against Qui-Gon's, sinuous and unconsciously sensual.

With a deep breath, Qui-Gon tightened his embrace and answered, "I can still sense Xanatos through the remnants of the training bond. It can't be completely severed. If he comes for us, I'll know."

Obi-Wan stiffened against the comfort of Qui-Gon's body. "The bond is still there?"

"Yes." Qui-Gon's hand moved down his padawan's arm, reassuring him. "I wasn't able to break the bond completely, just as my bond with Yoda still exists. I'm not sure I can ever be free of it."

"But you tried?" The question was imbued with enormous curiosity and jealousy.

"I do not wish to be tied to him, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon looked down into his student's face, studying the serious expression. "For many reasons."

For a long moment, the silence between them stretched into something more, something deep and true, waiting to be given voice.

"You'll wake me if you need me?"

The question was a poorly concealed demand, and Qui-Gon laughed. The sound rang out, stirring the crowd into a small frenzy. "Yes, Obi-Wan." He hugged his padawan to him, watching as the boy drifted off to sleep.

*****

As he grew into adulthood, I understood the pride of a father, the victory of a teacher, the lust of a man. I resisted the inevitable, for I knew things must change forever on the day we stepped past the roles of teacher and student together, breaking past the final barriers. I was not ready to let go of the past, and I feared for what the future would bring when he was ready to walk beside me, as my equal.



II. Jedi Master Adi Gallia

I have known powerful men, leaders of worlds, great warriors who could sway the balance of power through the use of a single word. One of those men is a Jedi, not interested in creature comforts or personal ambition. Qui-Gon Jinn's will has shaped the beliefs of others. In his lifetime, he has known great tragedy, and the cost of being his own man has been immense. His way is not often the easy path.

I watched him sacrifice much in the pursuit of his own ideals; I observed as he mourned the loss of truth to the balance of the Force. It broke my heart to see him crushed by a mistake made out of pride.

*****

When he wanted to be left alone, Qui-Gon was difficult to find. Adi was used to seeking him in uncommon places, but when word reached her of what had happened, instinct drew her to the Temple gardens.

Her friend sat in a meditation pose, face tense but composed, and for the first time she noticed scattered strands of silver in his hair. Their youth was behind them, she mused, quieting her steps as she approached. It did no good; he sensed her presence and opened his eyes, watching her as she neared.

"You heard, then?" he asked, unable to keep a trace of bitterness from his words.

"I did." She had not prepared any words of comfort because she knew they would be inadequate. Instead, she knelt beside him and placed her hand on his where it rested on his thigh. "Were you injured in the battle?"

"No." His shadowed eyes bored into her. "I couldn't strike the killing blow, Adi. I had the opportunity, but I lacked the courage to stop him." His voice was too calm, almost devoid of emotion.

"You have never lacked for courage," she said evenly. "You loved him, believed in him. Those are not easy things to put aside."

"I had a duty," he began, and stopped, looking away. His eyes focused on some far-away point as he said, "I am a Jedi. I have been trained to see what others do not, to shape and change events for the good of others. I thought only of myself, of my place in things, of proving my old Master wrong." A small chuckle, rough and ironic, cut Adi to the heart as he continued, "I'm not fit to be a teacher. What an example I will be for generations of Jedi -- the first master to lose a padawan to the Dark Side in a thousand years."

Adi pressed his hand harder beneath her own. After a moment, she said, "Xanatos chose his own path. If anything, you have given him the only tools to prevent his heart from drowning in evil."

He turned his head, and she saw the sudden anger blazing in his blue eyes. "Tools? I taught him to use the Force to his best advantage! I am responsible for this. If I'd listened to Yoda from the beginning, I would not have been blind to his faults. He is lost to me...to the Jedi now, and nothing will change that." His mouth twisted into a thin line. "What do you want here? There's nothing you can do for me."

"Perhaps that is true, my friend...but I know what he means to you." She deliberately used the present tense, knowing that the young man was very much alive in Qui-Gon's heart. "I can mourn with you."

Qui-Gon said nothing more, but he permitted the curl of her fingers around his hand. They meditated for a time, and she felt the raging emotions he attempted to dissipate into the Force. With effort, he released his disappointment, his pride and guilt, but the anger remained.

They never spoke of Xanatos again.

*****

Qui-Gon was forever changed by Xanatos' betrayal. He carried deep scars invisible to the naked eye, scars which grew harder and more twisted over time as he scored them open with ruthless self-examination. He began to withdraw from his friends, from colleagues, and refused to take another padawan. For a time, there was discussion among the Council regarding his state of mind, but Yoda put a halt to it, and refused to hear any more. Qui-Gon was to be left alone, and if he preferred misery to absolution, so be it.

Only one thing has broken through to Qui-Gon in all the years since that day he lost Xanatos. Love conquered the Jedi master, in the form of a strong, dedicated student with quiet, thoughtful eyes. I saw it long before he did, of course - we all did. Yoda went to considerable lengths to ensure Qui-Gon did not ignore the call of the Force. He knew, I think, what would eventually come of it, but he has never told me, and I would not presume to ask.

It pleased me to see life in Qui-Gon's eyes once again, to hear his voice lift with amusement or pride when he spoke of Obi-Wan. Knowing his padawan, it was easy to see the reason why.

*****

"Master Gallia." The young man bowed low.

"What can I do for you, Padawan Kenobi?" Adi smiled at the complete absence of fear in the boy. Most padawans trembled and stammered in front of Council members, but this one was different. He had been taught well, and his manners were impeccable.

"I have come to ask permission to leave the Temple grounds, Master."

"Why do you not approach your own master with this request?" she asked curiously. All apprentices were restricted to the Temple until their fifteenth birthday, and could leave only with special passes provided by their masters. Coruscant was a rough, ugly world, and even a Jedi was exposed to danger in its streets and skies.

"It is because of my master that I wish to leave." At the sudden upward turn of her eyebrow, Obi-Wan shook his head hastily. "Forgive me, I misspoke. I wish to purchase a naming day gift for my master, and it will not be a surprise if he sees me doing so."

"You are under no obligation to purchase gifts for Master Jinn, Obi-Wan," Adi said gently, probing a bit with the Force to determine the boy's truthfulness. It came to her clearly, shining like a bright beacon. There was no deception in the boy, and she doubted he could lie without creating such a disturbance that all around him would know. "That is his obligation to you, on your birthday."

"I know, Master Gallia. That is what will make it so interesting." Pure mischief sparkled in the boy's eyes, and not for the first time, Adi envied Qui-Gon his padawan.

"Very well. Come with me, and I will see you are given the correct documents. Choose with care, young man. Your master is a man of simple means, and Jedi have no need for material possessions."

"Yes, Master Gallia."

She watched him hurry off to catch a transport for the surface, smiling a little. A few days after, she took pains to learn the nature of his gift to Qui-Gon - a most practical second cloak, made of soft dark blue material.

Only later did it occur to her that the boy might have chosen the color to match his master's eyes.

*****

For many years, Obi-Wan struggled to understand the living Force. I discussed this with his master once or twice. Rarely have I seen an apprentice with such raw power, such ability to command and use the Force as he wished. In that sense, he equals Qui-Gon, and at the core this disturbs his teacher. Too similar to another such gifted student, and yet, not similar at all.

*****

"Foolish were you!" barked Yoda. "Thought nothing did you of your master, of the overall good. Only of your pride!"

All the color drained from Obi-Wan's face as the Jedi Master spoke. The lecture continued, becoming more focused on the young padawan's flaws, which Yoda seemed to think were numerous. None of the Council intervened, although several glances were exchanged. It was for the best.

Obi-Wan had taken it upon himself to disregard the instructions of both the Council and his master, and offer himself up as a hostage during negotiations on Det Betherut. He was so certain of his powers of persuasion that he believed he could influence the proceedings if he could get to the wartribe chieftain, and the only way to ensure that audience was to become a prisoner.

Almost as though he had sensed Obi-Wan's intention, Qui-Gon had been reluctant to send him alone to bargain with the Southern tribes, but his padawan was the only other Jedi on-planet, and solving the dispute was crucial. Qui-Gon was needed in the northern provinces, to settle the dispute between Northern and Eastern tribes. The boy was not quite seventeen, but was skilled in diplomacy, and there had been no other option.

"No one questions your good intentions," Master Mundi said soothingly, with a sidelong glance at Yoda. "What we question is your judgment, your methodology. You cannot simply disregard what you are told because you think you know best. Not at this stage of your training."

"Your master's padawan, you *are*," Yoda said, and his meaning was clear.

"Forgive me, Master Yoda. May I speak?" Obi-Wan asked, bowing low. Yoda waved a hand in his direction, and the young Jedi continued, "I bear the responsibility for this. My master has taught me to reason out the best course of action, but he has never encouraged me to disobey the Council."

"Leads by example he does!" Yoda said. "Learned well have you."

"You were thinking more of the goal, and you wanted to please your master. It is understandable, but you allowed your need for approval to overwhelm all else, and your pride was your downfall," Master Gallia said quietly.

Obi-Wan had fallen silent, and his head was bowed. "I understand, Masters."

"Go and reflect on these events," Mace Windu instructed. "Meditate until your heart becomes clear, and then return to your master to discuss what has occurred. You may go."

"Thank you, Master." A low bow, and the padawan was gone.

Several hours later, the Council concluded its business and adjourned for the evening meal. Adi Gallia found Qui-Gon sitting at a table alone, eating without enthusiasm.

"May I join you?" she asked, smiling at him. He gestured to the table, indicating his consent.

"How did Obi-Wan fare with the Council?" he asked, taking a bite of stew.

Surprised, Adi looked up at him. "Hasn't he told you?"

"What do you mean?" Qui-Gon glanced sharply at her. "I thought the Council session just concluded."

"It did, but he was debriefed hours ago. He was instructed to meditate and discuss the matter with you further," Adi said.

Qui-Gon pushed his plate away and rose to his feet immediately. Curious, Adi followed as the tall Jedi strode off in the direction of the meditation rooms. "Perhaps he simply needed time to himself," she suggested.

"I think it is more complicated than that," Qui-Gon told her, quickening his pace.

When they reached the "quiet rooms", Qui-Gon began a methodical search, looking through each large observation window and moving on down the row. The rooms were full in the evening, making the search a lengthy one. Finally, he pulled up short outside one of the smaller rooms.

Obi-Wan knelt in the center of the floor, motionless. Adi felt Qui-Gon gathering the Force and reaching out to his padawan, but his expression told her he was rebuffed. "He is closed to me," Qui-Gon murmured, turning his head slightly. "Will you try?"

Adi nodded. With an automatic, natural command of the Force, she touched Obi-Wan's mind, and was unceremoniously shut out. "To me, as well," she said, worried.

"He is punishing himself," Qui-Gon said fiercely. "He is using his mind to inflict torment on his body. Can you not feel it?"

"Yes," Adi said. The disturbance within the Force was subtle, but definite. "Will you not go to him?"

"This is something he must decide for himself," Qui-Gon said, every muscle in his body tense. "I will not interfere until he is no longer capable of continuing. Obi-Wan is not a boy anymore, and he must bear the consequences of his choices."

"Then I will wait, also," she said, afraid for the master as much for the student.

The night was long, and Qui-Gon paced restlessly throughout. Adi tried to distract him with talk of politics, of missions they had completed together, but he was focused on the waning energy coming from his padawan. One bit at a time, his control slipped, and the haggard expression on his face grew more anxious as dawn approached.

"There, did you feel that?" Qui-Gon said suddenly, turning toward the window. "His focus has broken." Immediately, Qui-Gon directed Force-energy toward his padawan, wrapping the young man with invisible comfort.

Obi-Wan made a small noise and pitched sideways onto the mat, concentration shattered. He caught himself with one hand, pushing up even as Qui-Gon moved through the door and went to him. The communication between them was palpable even without words as Obi-Wan opened his eyes and looked into his master's. Adi did not want to intrude, and with a last look at the two of them, she turned and left them to their privacy.

*****

I have watched these two men together for many years and I see the changes underway between them. Qui-Gon has confided to me many things he would not tell his padawan, and I know now that his heart is full. There will be a time when they will understand each other completely. When that time comes, there will be nothing but joy for them both.

On to Part Two of "Mosaic"

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