III: Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi

In the beginning, things between us were difficult. My master was unwilling to let me come too close. Eventually, I learned the reasons for his reluctance, but it stung to think he did not want me as his padawan.

Things became easier for us after a time. Still, for many years I would catch him watching me, as if looking for signs of weakness or Darkness to appear in the open where he might catch them. It unnerved me to think that he still harbored doubts about me.

Small events passed by, blending into the passage of time, becoming months, then solar years. My master began to trust me, and I him, over the many days of my apprenticeship.

Some of those days are memorable, and there is one moment that has become fixed in my mind. It was a day of realizations for me. Such things are hard to forget.

******

Obi-Wan combed his hair for the tenth time, adjusted his tunic, changed belts, and changed belts again. He smiled at his mirror image, pleased.

"You will be late, Padawan, if you don't detach yourself from your reflection," Qui-Gon called, and there was laughter in his voice. "Where are the two of you meeting?"

"At a lounge on the day side of the planet," Obi-Wan responded, brushing out his braid hastily. "We're having dinner, and then we are going to his quarters." Obi-Wan felt his fingers start to tremble, and rolled his eyes at his own nervousness. Saying the words, to his master of all people, had made things seem real.

Choosing a first sexual partner had been difficult for him, and he had waited far longer than most other padawans in his age group. Something told him the young knight with laughing blue eyes and a crooked grin was the one, and the attraction was mutual. He was relieved to be getting it over with, in a way. At nineteen, he was far too old to be embarking on a first romance.

His third attempt to fix his braid failed, and he made a sound of exasperation as he combed his fingers through the strands and began again. Qui-Gon appeared in the open doorway and watched for a moment.

"Here, let me." Qui-Gon brushed Obi-Wan's fingers aside and began to deftly weave his padawan braid, as he sometimes had when Obi-Wan was much younger. The action had a familiar comfort to it, and Obi-Wan felt as though he were somehow moving from one stage of his life to another as those large hands bound the braid quickly.

"Thank you, Master." Obi-Wan smiled and turned away for a moment to grab his cloak. When he turned back, the look in his master's eyes made him catch his breath. It was a strange look, full of unguarded tenderness and pride, and something else...something that made Obi-Wan's heart beat faster and his body tremble.

"You look very handsome, Padawan," his master said quietly, moving away to allow Obi-Wan to pass. A veil of control descended across Qui-Gon's face, obscuring the emotions there, but Obi-Wan had already recognized them, and there was no going back. "I will expect you late tomorrow morning. Contact me if you expect to be longer."

"I will, Master, thank you." They regarded one another a moment more, before Obi-Wan smiled again and was on his way.

Much later that night, with his head on the broad pillow of his lover's chest, Obi-Wan thought of dark blue eyes and large hands, and of the danger of feelings left unspoken. Those thoughts followed him down into sleep, as they would nearly every night for many years to come.

*****

It was always there between us after that. I never spoke of what I had seen, but he knew I was aware. If anything, his distance from me increased. New levels appeared in our relationship, new complexities that I did not have time to solve. I was kept far too busy on mission after mission with my master, running from one dispute to another, always in motion.

I have heard others say that the pain of loss is nothing compared to the pain of never having your heart's desire at all. I suppose it depends on your perspective. It was the pain of loss that brought me my heart's desire, an irony I have never ceased to appreciate.

*****

"You left him there?" Astonishment warred with anger on Obi-Wan's face, as he struggled to comprehend what he was being told.

"We had no resources to assist him. There was nothing to be done!" The Prefect waved his hands helplessly in the air, attempting to illustrate his words. "He is a Jedi. He must save himself. As we must!"

Obi-Wan was a blur of motion as he took hold of the Prefect's shoulders, shaking him roughly. "Where is he?" he demanded, abandoning any hope of controlling his temper.

"In the valley below!" The Prefect began to make a high-pitched noise of fear as he realized Obi-Wan's intentions. "You must not leave us! We need you!"

"You will have to make do without me. One Jedi cannot save you now." Disgusted, Obi-Wan let the little man go and began to walk in the direction of the battlefield.

"You break your bargain! We will not join a Republic with no honor!" the Prefect screamed.

"There will be no treaty," Obi-Wan shouted, turning enough to be sure he was heard. "We will make no pact with a race which abandons its allies to die."

The last word sank into his stomach like a sharp blade, causing him to catch his breath with fear. What if Qui-Gon were truly dead? He reached out for his master, but there was nothing there to guide him. His jaw set into a grim line.

He should not have acted without Qui-Gon's authority. He was barely twenty-one, and not yet a Knight. But he would not leave Qui-Gon to die. It was unacceptable. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard the mantra chanted - "There is no death, there is the Force" - but his heart rejected the notion of living without Qui-Gon Jinn, as long as it was within his power to prevent it.

Obi-Wan's fatigue made every step seem torturous. He had been moving forever, fighting and negotiating with only an hour's sleep in each 36 hour day, and he felt close to some invisible edge. Much closer and he would be lost, and Qui-Gon with him. He forced himself to move faster.

Over the last hill, and the battle-scarred plain came into view before him, littered with dead and wounded. Obi-Wan's stomach turned over; if Qui-Gon was among the casualties, he would find him, no matter how long it took. Stinging wind whipped his robes, brought tears to his eyes. He moved slowly down the barren hillside, reaching out with the Force, searching for any hint of his master's life energy.

There was nothing there.

With great care, he passed among the fallen, looking into their scarred and bloody faces, seeking something he did not want to find. For many hours, despair grew within him, and silent tears tracked their way down his cheeks, as he navigated the brutality of war in silence. Darkness fell, and still he searched, until finally, his legs gave out beneath him and he tumbled to the ground, useless.

The dark hid his shivering body, the trembling of his hands as he sat and stared into the night, waiting for the light to return.

"Obi-Wan."

The young Jedi closed his eyes against the ghosts of imagination. Strange how wanting something so terribly could make it so real.

"Obi-Wan." Hands closed on his shoulders, and a figure knelt before him. "Are you injured?"

He tried to rise quickly but his body refused to obey, and he tumbled forward into Qui-Gon's embrace.

"You are alive," he said, not daring to believe it. He pushed the older man away, looking up into his face, hands roaming his master's body, seeking damage.

"I escorted prisoners to the Gerat outpost near here...Obi-Wan, answer me, are you hurt?" Qui-Gon's voice contained such a note of urgency that Obi-Wan felt he might explode.

"No, Master, I..." Obi-Wan struggled for the words, and his throat closed.

Comprehension dawned on Qui-Gon's face. "You were seeking me among the dead," he said quietly.

Obi-Wan nodded, and raised his face to his master, who touched him gently, trailing his fingers down the grimy curve of his jaw, and across his lips. With his thumb, he parted those lips to make way for his own as he covered Obi-Wan's mouth in a soft kiss, tender and seeking, claiming what had always been his for the taking.

*****

We were forced to acknowledge mutual desire for one another. I had become a man and I could not act as a child does, with blissful ignorance. Nor could my master pretend he had not opened his heart to me at last. Love shone between us, though we did not name the emotion, or try to control it. It enhanced every action, every communication, every touch and glance.

I would gladly have offered up my life for his. Instead, he took something just as precious, and gave me even more in return.

*****

Obi-Wan stood naked before his love, standing still as Qui-Gon's eyes touched him, making him shiver with need. He had long ago committed the scars and strength of Qui-Gon's body to memory, but it was as if he saw with new eyes, finding things he had never dared notice before. The slight curve of his master's erect shaft as it grew, the flat hard muscles of the belly, the perfect proportions of his large frame, the sensual set of his hips.

Qui-Gon was the first to move, the first to lay his hands against skin, tracing the slender curve of Obi-Wan's shoulders. Obi-Wan's head fell forward against his lover's chest as those hands slipped down his back, then up to the nape of his neck, cupping it gently.

"Are you sure this is what you want, Obi-Wan?" The voice seemed deeper than Obi-Wan could ever remember, almost raw with emotion.

"It is," he breathed, lifting his head and turning his cheek to find a nipple within reach. His tongue flickered out, circling the brown nub, and he thought he had never tasted anything so unique as the salt-bitter taste of his master's skin. His lips closed around hardened flesh, suckling gently, as his arms circled Qui-Gon's waist lightly. A small gasp of pleasure encouraged him, and he moved his attentions to the other nipple, his body burning from the firm pressure of the hands touching him everywhere.

He began to move down, kissing Qui-Gon's stomach feverishly, nuzzling up against the length of that hard shaft. Suddenly, he was lifted and deposited on the bed, legs splayed to the side as Qui-Gon descended over him.

"Not this time," Qui-Gon said hoarsely, eyes gleaming in the dim light. He began to worship Obi-Wan with his mouth, and Obi-Wan drew in a deep, shaky breath threaded with a low moan of ecstasy as sensation swept through and over him. His body became limp as his hips rose from the bed, thrusting up into sweet, firm strokes of a determined tongue. Too much irresistible pressure, and he could no longer withstand the rushing tide of orgasm as it cascaded over him. He heard his master's name fall from his lips in a whisper, and then he was engulfed in silent bliss.

Distantly, he was aware of Qui-Gon settling beside him. He reached for the other man's erection and found it softening and sticky under his fingers. "Watching you was enough," his master breathed against his ear, and Obi-Wan moaned again, parting his lips to receive a deep, sensual kiss. It would never be so perfect again, he was sure of it. Nothing so beautiful could remain so pure. *****



IV. Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn

Once begun, my love affair with Obi-Wan continued on a fixed course. There was no prohibition against such a thing, provided the padawan was of age, but I had never considered that he might want me as I wanted him. The intensity of his feelings has scorched my heart, made me willing to forget many things in service to my desire.

In truth, I was afraid to allow myself to feel too much, to lose control, to become too much a part of his passion and less a part of the Force. Eventually, I understood my need for him was directed by the Force, and I was conquered by that knowledge. Willingly, I gave way to what I wanted most, relieved to be able to speak my feelings openly.

*****

"You've been poring over those star charts for hours," Qui-Gon said, stealing a glance at Obi-Wan. "Your neck will freeze into that position."

Slowly, Obi-Wan straightened and favored his master with a grin. "That might be useful for other things," he said, chuckling.

Qui-Gon returned the smile and went back to the task at hand, cleaning each of the tiny components of his lightsaber. "Are you worried about the exam?" he asked, polishing the green power crystal.

"Not worried, no. I want to do well; this is the last of the primary examinations before I reach the level where I may take my Trials. But of course, you know that." Obi-Wan chuckled again and set the datapad to the side. "I've never asked you directly before, but would it be presumptuous to ask now? When do you think I may take my Trials?"

"When you are ready," Qui-Gon said simply, setting the crystal aside. "I'll know when that day arrives."

"You've been saying the same thing for eleven years now, Master. I must have come a bit closer to 'ready' at some point," Obi-Wan teased.

"It's not an objective measure, Padawan. The Force will guide me to understanding when it's time. Are you in such a hurry to be away from me?" He spoke lightly, but the question was imbued with meaning.

"You know I'm not. I've thought about what might happen after I am Knighted," Obi-Wan answered slowly. "Separate missions, separate quarters." His voice trailed off, and he folded his hands in his lap.

"I've thought about it a great deal as well," Qui-Gon said. He stood, covering the components with a soft cloth, and went to Obi-Wan, taking the chair opposite him at the table. "Once you are knighted, you are free to make any decisions you wish, without consulting me. Unless, of course, there is something to be said for consulting me."

Obi-Wan smiled, and Qui-Gon's heart turned over. "You are much more to me than master," he said, taking one large hand in his own, twining their fingers together.

Qui-Gon paused. Softly, he said, "You are much more to me as well, Obi-Wan. So much more that I don't wish to be parted from you. There are ways of creating a life bond, if you are willing."

Deep satisfaction settled across Obi-Wan's face. "I am willing, my love."

"Then it is settled," the older man said, stroking his hand across his lover's fingers. For a long time they sat together, simply looking at one another, content.

*****

In the stillness of the night, I have listened to his heartbeat, the regular pulse of his life, and known that his spirit and mine are connected. I listen to his voice and I feel the warmth of youth and vibrant life as he speaks, saying words meant for my ears alone.

The shadows of twilight grow steadily deeper across the room, and I hold my breath for fear I will wake him. He is spread across our bed, one arm pillowed beneath his cheek, lips parted and moving gently as he dreams of worlds as yet undiscovered. The sheet falls like the soft sweep of a feather across his back, baring the curve of one hip, a pale landscape of skin, surreal and beautiful. It's difficult to resist the urge to touch him, to confirm his reality, but I stay my hand and caress him with my eyes.

All is as it was meant to be.



V. Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi

He has been gone many years now. Sometimes in the deepest part of the night, I wake to find myself trembling with need, aching with a loss so great I still have not come to terms with it.

I know he would not want me to grieve, so I celebrate what he was, and what he meant to me. It is a comfort to me to imagine that even in death, the Force sustains him, and he is aware that I love him still. Without him, life has become a path of sameness, and the emptiness does not diminish with time.

Fragments of the past filter through my memory, and I catch them, holding them close and piecing them together to make my picture of him complete. The whole of our life together was broken into such small moments, individual and unique, each carrying the signature of distinct emotions. I cling to each shard, gripping tight to the broken edges until I bleed. It is all I have left of him.

In my mind's eye, he reaches out to me, and I embrace him. There will be a time when I will make that image real. Pieces of the past tumble away, making room for the future to be set into motion. In that future, dreams will die away, and I will know what it is to be with him again.

Time stands still in my heart. I find him waiting, in the place he made whole with his love. The bonds of one world break away, making room for the next. I am perfected by his presence as he draws nearer. He touches me, and I am made complete.

End.



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