I never wanted to be a cop. It wasn't really my thing. But I gave in because I couldn't think of anything else to do, and besides that, I wanted to be with Jim. Yeah, I know. But it seemed like a good idea at the time. I'd been through so much of it with Jim already that it was just like old times when I was finally out there with him, with, you know, a gun and everything. That badge weighs a ton, though. I never knew. Jim never told me. There's a lot he never told me.

Man, it's cold out here.

Couldn't quite get my head straight for a while after the whole academy bit. It was a lot like some psycho-parody boot camp, totally alien to me. It was wild, the amount of running and jumping and shouting we had to do. Jim tried to toughen me up beforehand, for all the good it did me. Mostly I wanted to nurse all the muscles I pulled getting into shape. Icepacks are your friend when you have all the aches and pains I did.

Jim had the ten-minute cure for strained muscles, too, which was the only good thing about that whole ordeal. I got addicted to him touching me after a while, to the way the flat of his palm would smooth across my skin, the way his breathing changed when he had his hands on me. Shouldn't have wanted it as much as I did, but what the hell. You only go around once, and Jim was willing. It didn't take much to convince him.

This is really starting to hurt. My legs are kinda numb. Wonder where the hell the cavalry is?

I thought I had all the information about Jim Ellison. What he saw, said, felt, smelled and tasted. I knew I couldn't get into his head, wouldn't be able to know what he thought, but sometimes it was like I was there, like I understood it all without him telling me. That was too strange, like being in the jungle without anybody to lead, but it was fascinating, too. I had to follow my own instincts. It's not as easy as he makes it look. Really, nothing is. He's a damned force of nature. Is that a cliché? Who cares, it's true. Jim Ellison, force of nature. What a riot.

Damn, I'm sleepy. This sucks. He's got to be on his way. I wish he'd hurry up.

His lips are so soft. I watched him kiss a million women. Well, maybe not that many. But a lot. I always used to wonder if he would kiss me slowly, and if he'd have his eyes shut, because if he looked at me I'd come right then and there like a kid who's got no control over his hormones. I pictured him kissing me so hard I couldn't breathe, but it wasn't like that at all. It was so soft and it took forever and he teased me a little, and then he made me open my eyes. After that, it happened pretty much like I was afraid it would. Which was okay, because it was déjà vu to me, I'd seen it so often in my head.

He kisses like he touches, like he senses. Full out in the moment, and the rest of the time he's holding back, like he's afraid he'll go too far or see too much. The taste of the world is so sweet and inviting, but he can't quite let himself go. He denies himself. He deserves anything he wants, everything he can lay his hands on. If I ever get the chance, I'm gonna tell him that. I promised myself. No holds barred.

Where the fuck is that backup...

When he sees this, he's gonna zone, maybe go so far out that there's no one to bring him back. I know what happened when I drowned. Something told him how to touch me, what to do. Maybe Incacha. I don't know. I hope he's there this time, too. Jim's gonna need a guide. Somebody to keep him focused.

Sometimes he just doesn't want to see what's right in front of him. I think it scares him to be out of control. Hell, it scares me, too. I'm starting to feel a little out of control right now, in fact. Not gonna panic. He's coming. I know he is.

We both knew it wasn't a great idea to let Simon partner us up. Too much chance that we'd be protective of each other and lose focus on our duty, but Jim wouldn't let me go out there with anybody else. I didn't really want to be on the streets without him, so Simon caved in.

It's great to know there's somebody looking out for you, and I finally had Jim's back with official sanction. I didn't know that was so important to me until the first time he looked at me when we were going in together, and the connection was there, man, it was really there. More than sentinel and guide, more than lovers or friends. Partners. It gave me a rush that lasted all day, and the edge didn't come off 'til he took it off with his mouth on my cock that night. I think it felt better than anything ever has, or ever will.

I'm trying to remember what that felt like, because my insides are splitting open and I can't stop this bleeding and Christ, where the hell is Jim?

We staked out this place yesterday, in the rain. It was a miserable night, let me tell you, huddled up in the mud between a truck and a log. It was so quiet out here that all I could hear was my breathing and the rain pittering down on my slicker. I thought about Jim on the other side of this big-ass compound and wondered if he missed me, if he was obsessing about taking me somewhere warm and dry and fucking me senseless. It made me grin.

Damn, sometimes I feel like it should be criminal to feel this way about somebody. I bet only drugs can give you a bigger high. I could use some drugs right about now. Or an ambulance. Some backup would be good. Wish I could reach my radio. Wish I could move.

The head of the task force split us up, to take opposite ends of this compound, stop these really nasty bad guys who were doing the whole militia wanna-be freedom fighter thing. Really ugly stuff. Killed a whole bunch of tourists on a boatride, just cut 'em down without any mercy. Mostly families, lots of women and kids. It turned my stomach pretty badly, and that hasn't happened in a while. This case was really personal to me, you know?

I didn't have much of a problem with returning fire when they started shooting at our guys this morning. It was like a war zone out here all of a sudden. Jim must've thought he was back in action with Special Ops. It was intense, like nothing I've ever seen. They took down some good men, and I thought maybe I could drag one of ours back behind the perimeter. Bad idea. Very bad.

I can't really even say it hurt, at first. It was just like my brain was disconnected from my legs, and they stopped moving, and I was face down in wet grass. That's when it hit me, like fire under my skin, clawing its way out, and I shouted for him. I couldn't help it. I couldn't have bit that back if I'd tried. The funny thing is, I know he heard me, though he was too far away and it shouldn't be possible. I don't know how I know but I'm sure of it. I can almost hear his heartbeat. He's scared. He's running, I think.

They've been trying to get to me, and it's only been a couple of minutes, but they'd better hurry.

Where was I? Is somebody shouting?

I'm in trouble here...blood in my mouth. Definitely bad. It's dark.

This'd be easier...if he were here...

It's so quiet.

Jim?

Big hands. Shaking. Oh jesusgoddamnthathurts. Don't push on it...oh. Pressure. Bleeding...I remember.

He's whispering, begging. It's like he's inside my head, oh, shit, I feel him. I can feel everything he feels and it's making my heart hurt. I knew we were joined somehow but this is so weird I can't oh god what the hell is that? Did he say that or am I hearing things, making things up? I'm delirious. I knew already how he feels but he wouldn't say it unless...

His eyes are so blue. The look in them is scaring me.

I can't seem to make my lips move, or I'd tell him.

I never wanted to be a cop.

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